Comment:     by Ruth Scott 2/7/2007 Much needed article. A few items come to mind. First, if you can throw in a little humor it seems to help ease the tension, but that is a bit tricky I'll admit. Secondly, where is the line? It is a bit gray to me. I thought toe- tapping was acceptable at work. What about cell phones ringing? Crunching loudly on food (there is no breakroom where I work)? Co-worker discussing detailed health issues and the company doesn't enforce HIPAA practices at all? Not responding to e-mails and leaving others dangling? The list goes on and on as you have said. Third, I know a man who passed gas frequently thoughout the day. Not a word was said to him by...Read On
	Comment:     by william frame 2/7/2007 Great advise, and obviously not just for office environment peer-to-peer relationships. This is good advise for all interpersonal relationships. And I agree whole heartedly about owning our feeling. No one can MAKE us feel a certain way. I would add to that that feeling are not right or wrong, they are what we feel. One other thought. A very wise friend once told me that a lot of interpersonal problems/disappointments are the result of unrealized, and often unrealistic, expectations. If you expect someone to do something that they have no idea you expect, you are probably going to be disappointed when they do not...Read On
	Comment:     by Vivekanandan Mariappan 2/7/2007 Hello, A Good article. You have explained about "unattractive personal habit", which is nice. It will be nice if you would have talked why employees do "unattractive personal habit" in office, is it that they dont have enough work, ....what?? Best Regards, Vivekanandan M Author's Response: 2/8/2007     Hi, Vivekanandan-- The guy in the story was not aware he was picking his nose; it was a habit completely outside his consciousness. He had plenty of work, and he complete his *individual* work. The problem came in working with other people, which was also part of his job. Most of the time when people come to work with hygiene issues—various body odors, for example—they are not aware of how they are affecting other people. They are usually not aware that they smell bad to other people. (I did meet one person who limited bathing as an expression of her view that Americans are obsessed with cleanliness. She knew how she smelled and didn’t mind. But her co-workers did, and the clients of her company did, and that hurt the business.) Thanks for writing. Esther
	Comment:     by Matt Myers 6/3/2005 These are good comments about how other's habbits can be addressed. What about accidental things that happen that make for an uncomfortable environment? Things like, zipper down, button undone, "plumber syndrom" (no offense to plumbers), etc. I'm sure these can be easily addressed, it's probably just human nature to flee from uncomfortable situations. Author's Response: 6/3/2005     Hi, Matt – I think you’re right, people avoid situations that are uncomfortable… sometimes though we avoid short-term discomfort and end up with more discomfort long-term. A friend of mine tells about a time she was giving a presentation to a client with a co-worker. After they finished the presentation and were walking back to the car, her co-worker told her she had spinach stuck in her teeth. “I didn’t want to embarrass you by saying anything before,” he said. My friend was furious that he’d let her go through the entire presentation with spinach in her teeth. She would have been less embarrassed if he’d pulled her aside before the presentation or on a break. So just say quietly, and as privately as possible, “Excuse me, your zipper is down. Though you’d want to know.”
	Comment:     by John Gagnier 6/2/2005 I liked the article. However, I do take exception to one statement. It is stated that one person cannot make you have feelings. This implies that it is the person and not their action making you have feelings. Saying "When you yell at me I feel scared", is a very valid statement. Fact you yelled, fact I feel scared. It is not the person, but the yelling that makes me feel scared. Other than that it is a well written and helpful article. Author's Response: 6/2/2005     Hi, John – Let me clarify. In my view, it’s important to put some distance between the sensory input and the feeling. When I hear someone yelling, that’s sensory input. Before I get to the feeling, there’s another step: interpretation. I may interpret the yelling as a threat (and feel scared or angry) or as bombastic ranting (and feel irritated or amused). The feeling I have depends on how I interpret the sensory input. When we don’t put some distance between sensory input and feeling, it’s easy to fall into saying “You make me mad.” This may be too fine a distinction when there’s an actual threat. Then the first order of business is to get out of the room, not to worry about getting the diction right.
	Comment:     by Vijay Rangari 6/2/2005 I agree on the whole that this approach would work but I feel that it depends entirely on the personality of the person who 'volunteers' to go and talk to the offender. Hence I feel that in the first instance it should be the responsibility of the line manager to have a quiet word with them. And I say this whilst also considering cases of extreme body odour that I have encountered during my career - the people in question were not directly in my team but I had to work closely with them on a regular basis. Author's Response: 6/2/2005     Hi, Vijay – Yes, if the manager is aware of the issues, he/she can bring it up. If the team is looking for a volunteer to deliver the feedback, then the issue is already causing disruption on t he team – people are already talking about another team member behind his back and separating him from the group. The person who is bothered by the issue has responsibility to address the issue. On the issue of body odor, I’ve addressed it this way: “I want to tell you about something that’s a problem for me. I feel awkward bringing this up and I think it will be helpful. [pause to see if the person is willing to listen ]. When we work close together, I smell a strong body odor. I don’t know if you’re aware of this. [pause for a response]” See what the other person says. And base your response on what you hear.
	Comment:     by F Earl 6/1/2005 If people don’t address behaviour that is commonly regarded as “bad manners”, it must be more than that *nobody* on the team has the social skills to simply say, “Please don’t do such-and such. I don’t like it.” Clearly there is often the fear that they will be accused of “picking on” a certain category of employee, particularly if there is a cultural aspect to the behaviour. Annoying habits like toe-tapping, for example, are much more easily dealt with than issues of clothing odour or table manners. You can’t expect peers to deal with that sort of thing. Why should they? Author's Response: 6/2/2005     You are right, of course, talking about toe-tapping is easier than talking about body odor. If the manager is aware of the issue, than of course, he/she can bring it up as part of coaching. But when the issue is between two peers, then it works best to address the issue peer-to-peer. Once someone bypasses the peer and goes to the manager, it sets up a dynamic that can damage trust. No one likes to feel that they’ve been tattled on.
	Comment:     by Gene Fellner 5/31/2005 This is such a perfect lesson for us IT professionals. Of course all of us who are reading this have fabulous "people skills." But let's face it, the profession naturally attracts a lot of people who are not so well housebroken. It comes with the territory, people who are more comfortable dealing with technology than with what many of them call "wetware." You have to be just as direct and just as mild-mannered as Esther says. Neither coyness nor an aggressive attitude will get you anywhere. It's a no-brainer that you can get the most angry, outraged, insulting reactions from people whose upbringing you're already...Read On Author's Response: 6/1/2005     Hi, Gene – I chose the nose-picking story because it’s a habit that many of us find distressing (and I’ve run into this issue multiple times, not just this once). But there are plenty of other situations where tactful and direct feedback helps working relationships: body odor, too much perfume, proselytizing, not following through on commitments… there are as many situations as there are people. Sooner or later, everyone will do something that rubs a co-worker the wrong way.
	Comment:     by Matthew Heusser 5/31/2005 It was a helpful article. I especially like the point that using the expression "When you say X, I feel Y" has weakenesses. Keep them coming! Author's Response: 6/1/2005     Hi, Matt – It may seem like a fine distinction – and in my view, it’s an important one. No one else causes our feelings. Our feelings come from our own thoughts and interpretations. To quote the immortal bard, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” (William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, Act II, Scene 2)
	Comment:     by Venkatesan Kalingamurthy 5/31/2005 This is very good article. Interpersonal relationship is very improatnt when we work as a team. Important point to note from the article is "when the hint doesn't help, the irritation can grow out of proportion". This is absolutely correct. This will result in the degradation of Team morale. Not only among the team members, even team to team interaction also should be very cordial. Author's Response: 6/1/2005     Hi, Venkatesan – Hinting almost never works. It’s more uncomfortable *in the moment* to be respectfully direct, but it saves pain in the long run. I spoke to one manager who was about to fire an employee for spending too much time on the internet at work. I asked if the manager had told the employee her internet usage was a problem. The manager replied that he had: “I walked by her cube and she was on the internet, so I asked ‘What are you doing?’. When the employee responded, ‘Nothing,’ I said, ‘Doesn’t look like Nothing to me. Looks to me like you are surfing the net.” Since the employee wasn’t a mind reader, she didn’t realize that surfing the net on a break was a serious matter to her boss. The same is true between team members. Hinting doesn’t work and destroys relationships. Feedback that’ s given in the spirit of improving working relationships builds trust.
	Comment:     by BALAJI NARAYANAN 5/31/2005 This is a very good article about how to address the issue directly without deferring it and also avoid unnecessary assumptions. Author's Response: 6/1/2005     Hi, Balaji – You are right, it’s important not to make assumptions – especially about another person’s motivations or awareness. I often talk to frustrated people who aren’t giving feedback because “He *must* know it’s a problem,” or “He’s doing this to drive me nuts.” In most of these cases, the offending person didn’t know, or didn’t realize it was a problem for someone else. And most of the time people are quite willing to adjust behavior once they realize the impact it’s having on their own and other people’s effectiveness. Thanks for writing.

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